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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Guy
Homeless
Wish
Hadn
Street
Men
Streets
Told
Days
Came
Willpower
Four
Eaten
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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