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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Schoolteachers
Date
Wrong
Something
Make
Like
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
Rodney Dangerfield
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
Rodney Dangerfield