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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Men
Experiment
Experiments
Cancer
Died
Told
Mickey
Went
Disneyland
Kids
Mouse
Never
Mice
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is don't tell the butcher!
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