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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Played
Childhood
Gave
Away
Firsts
First
Bats
Men
Flew
Birthday

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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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