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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Played
Childhood
Gave
Away
Firsts
First
Bats
Men
Flew
Birthday
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
Rodney Dangerfield
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
Rodney Dangerfield
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
Rodney Dangerfield
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Rodney Dangerfield
Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
Rodney Dangerfield
