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I don't get no respect

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Tombstone
Respect

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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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