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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Saws
Early
Came
Guy
Funny
Jogging
Home
Buddy
Men
Hey
Naked
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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