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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Came
Guy
Funny
Jogging
Home
Buddy
Men
Hey
Naked
Saws
Early
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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