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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Night
Humor
Three
Went
Four
Reading
Lasts
Last
Times
Dog
Funny
Paper
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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