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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Told
Comedy
Nailed
Stop
Foot
Funny
Circles
Running
Dad
Couldn
Humor
Feet
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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I can't get no respect.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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