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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Told
Comedy
Nailed
Stop
Foot
Funny
Circles
Running
Dad
Couldn
Humor
Feet

More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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