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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Arms
Goes
Bartender
Says
Duck
Guy
Ducks
Talking
Pigs
Funny
Bars
Clever
Smart
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Rodney Dangerfield
I can't get no respect.
Rodney Dangerfield