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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Talking
Pigs
Funny
Bars
Clever
Smart
Arms
Goes
Bartender
Says
Duck
Guy
Ducks
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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I don't get no respect
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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