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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Heart
Angeles
Things
Surgery
Entering
Hour
Week
Hours
Valve
Half
Replacement
Right
Hospital
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Rodney Dangerfield
