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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Entering
Hour
Week
Hours
Valve
Half
Replacement
Right
Hospital
Heart
Angeles
Things
Surgery

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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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