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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Make
Funny
Florida
Moving
Figured
Night
Cool
Home
Humor
Firsts
Move
Come
Went
Play
Wife
First
Came
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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