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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Play
Wife
First
Came
Make
Funny
Florida
Moving
Figured
Night
Cool
Home
Humor
Firsts
Move
Come
Went
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
Rodney Dangerfield
