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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Tree
Funny
Section
Family
Sections
Tell
Cousin
Always
Gay
Fruit
Humor
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
Rodney Dangerfield
