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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Tree
Funny
Family
Section
Tell
Sections
Always
Cousin
Gay
Fruit
Humor
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
Rodney Dangerfield
