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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Hang
Kitchen
Leave
Wife
Floss
Roaches
Dental
Cook
Cooks
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is don't tell the butcher!
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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