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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Roaches
Dental
Cook
Cooks
Hang
Kitchen
Leave
Wife
Floss
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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I don't get no respect
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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
Rodney Dangerfield
