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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Hang
Kitchen
Leave
Wife
Floss
Roaches
Dental
Cook
Cooks

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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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