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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Leave
Wife
Floss
Roaches
Dental
Cook
Cooks
Hang
Kitchen
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is don't tell the butcher!
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
Rodney Dangerfield
