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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Stupid
Heard
Deaths
Within
Uncle
Family
Uncles
House
Occurs
Come
Miles
Ten
Moved
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
Rodney Dangerfield
