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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Ten
Moved
Stupid
Heard
Deaths
Within
Uncle
Family
Uncles
House
Occurs
Come
Miles
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
Rodney Dangerfield
