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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Week
Fire
Guy
Lasts
Last
Ties
Funny
Caught
Tried
Humor
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
