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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Lasts
Last
Ties
Funny
Caught
Tried
Humor
Week
Fire
Guy

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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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