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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Father
Bank
Come
Stealing
Caught
Worked
Humor
Stupid
Funny
Family
Pens
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
Rodney Dangerfield
