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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Father
Bank
Come
Stealing
Caught
Worked
Humor
Stupid
Funny
Family
Pens
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
Rodney Dangerfield
Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
Rodney Dangerfield
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Rodney Dangerfield
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
Rodney Dangerfield
I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
Rodney Dangerfield
My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
Rodney Dangerfield
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
Rodney Dangerfield
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
Rodney Dangerfield
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
Rodney Dangerfield
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
Rodney Dangerfield
[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
Rodney Dangerfield
