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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Learn
Make
Love
Fire
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Rodney Dangerfield
