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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Fire
Learn
Make
Love
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody.
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
Rodney Dangerfield
