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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Make
Love
Fire
Learn
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is don't tell the butcher!
Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
Rodney Dangerfield
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
Rodney Dangerfield
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Rodney Dangerfield
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
Rodney Dangerfield
