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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Make
Love
Fire
Learn

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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
Rodney Dangerfield
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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
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