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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Knew
Shirt
Morning
Picked
Funny
Shirts
Tell
Fell
Briefcase
Right
Handle
Briefcases
Going
Sex
Button
Afraid
Buttons
Wasn
Bathroom
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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