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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Knew
Shirt
Morning
Picked
Funny
Shirts
Tell
Fell
Briefcase
Right
Handle
Briefcases
Going
Sex
Button
Afraid
Buttons
Wasn
Bathroom
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
Rodney Dangerfield
