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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Matter
Anybody
Make
Marriage
Time
Wife
Love
Either
Think
Happened
Thinking
Lasts
Last
Nothing
Tried
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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