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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Hernias
Someday
Told
Kids
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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