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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Suicidal
Hung
Doctor
Doctors
Ugly
Cutting
Born
Cord
Kids
Cords
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
Rodney Dangerfield
