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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Funny
Jump
Remember
Priests
Going
Floor
Sent
Mark
Tenth
Window
Suicidal
Humor
Priest
Talk
Depressed
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
Rodney Dangerfield
