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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Going
Floor
Sent
Mark
Tenth
Window
Suicidal
Humor
Priest
Talk
Depressed
Funny
Jump
Remember
Priests

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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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