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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Window
Suicidal
Humor
Priest
Talk
Depressed
Funny
Jump
Remember
Priests
Going
Floor
Sent
Mark
Tenth
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Rodney Dangerfield
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
Rodney Dangerfield
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
Rodney Dangerfield
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
Rodney Dangerfield
