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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Funny
Jump
Next
Join
Made
Club
Bridges
Clubs
Tuesday
Humor
Suicidal
Comedy
Amusing
Wife
Bridge
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
Rodney Dangerfield