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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Made
Club
Bridges
Clubs
Tuesday
Humor
Suicidal
Comedy
Amusing
Wife
Bridge
Funny
Jump
Next
Join
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
Rodney Dangerfield
