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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Told
Week
Lasts
Psychiatrist
Last
Suicidal
Funny
Advance
Keep
Suicide
Thinking
Pay
Humor
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield
