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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Last
Suicidal
Funny
Advance
Keep
Suicide
Thinking
Pay
Humor
Told
Week
Lasts
Psychiatrist
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I don't get no respect
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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