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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Week
Lasts
Psychiatrist
Last
Suicidal
Funny
Advance
Keep
Suicide
Thinking
Pay
Humor
Told
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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