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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Week
Lasts
Psychiatrist
Last
Suicidal
Funny
Advance
Keep
Suicide
Thinking
Pay
Humor
Told
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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