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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Tried
Gave
Father
Away
Firsts
Bats
Play
Flew
First
Christmas
Time
Baseball
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
Rodney Dangerfield
