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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Time
Baseball
Tried
Gave
Father
Away
Firsts
Bats
Play
Flew
First
Christmas
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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