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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Away
Firsts
Bats
Play
Flew
First
Christmas
Time
Baseball
Tried
Gave
Father
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
Rodney Dangerfield
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
Rodney Dangerfield
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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I have three kids, one of each.
Rodney Dangerfield
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Rodney Dangerfield
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
Rodney Dangerfield
