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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Night
Love
Dating
Phone
Phones
Looked
Wife
Making
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
Rodney Dangerfield
