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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Told
Wife
Days
Come
Bucks
Make
Hey
Love
Dating
Like
Honey
Asked
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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