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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Wife
Days
Come
Bucks
Make
Hey
Love
Dating
Like
Honey
Asked
Told
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
Rodney Dangerfield
