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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Told
Mirrors
Doctors
Drinking
Fronts
Front
Watches
Doctor
Watch
Alcohol
Drink
Mirror
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I can't get no respect.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
Rodney Dangerfield
