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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Real
Tough
Crime
Butter
Humor
Knife
Wasn
Pulled
Knew
Knives
Came
Neighborhood
Guy
Witty
Funny
Professional
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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I can't get no respect.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
Rodney Dangerfield
