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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Comedy
Wife
Eye
Funny
Keep
Garbage
Trying
Humor
Always
Already
Told

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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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