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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Eye
Funny
Keep
Garbage
Trying
Humor
Always
Already
Told
Comedy
Wife

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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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