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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Funny
Keep
Garbage
Trying
Humor
Always
Already
Told
Comedy
Wife
Eye

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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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