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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Comedy
Wife
Eye
Funny
Keep
Garbage
Trying
Humor
Always
Already
Told
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
Rodney Dangerfield
