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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Funny
Keep
Garbage
Trying
Humor
Always
Already
Told
Comedy
Wife
Eye

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
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